Truth at the Dholpur house

For as long as I can remember, this was to be it. Families would gather around dinner and talk about life , or the absence of it , mine would always find itself embedded in the civil service . There were always promotions and postings , and to spice things up maybe even a retirement . Rooted in every story was a remarkable man, someone I thought everyone wanted to be, and if the flesh was found wanting, at least look up to . Being his son was to know , life would never be something unwritten .

I bumble about life, much like a bee finds fleeting fancy in every new flower I presume . As long as I remember , my only passion was to be passionate . All the things I'd learn came from outside of those meant to teach me, 13 years of being let down in every school , of which I'd changed as many as 9 , could do that to you . Unashamedly , the closest friends I'd kept were a set of encyclopedias that still remain warm to the touch , every withered page a memory of a warm evening spent together. For an age I knew to wander , knowing that the discipline of life wasn't where my heart lay.
It was this heart that suffered the UPSC .

Some of us grow in the shadow of those that made us , I was born into reflected glory . There was nothing more to be , than the son of a benighted family . I began in red , knowing this was how I would try to repay the insurmountable debt in love my parents have willed me . Life had lessons in store .

I lasted 20 minutes in my first class for this exam. The master procrastinator in me told me I could do this faster by myself , went home , never touched a book for months , figured I was smart and smart was all it took . A lifetime of curiosity helped , cleared the prelims , felt like I was the chosen one . 18 hours of written tests and a 45 minute interview later I'd made it to the realm of pity . 'oh you're in the railways ? What's Mr khan's son doing there , tch , it's okay child , life will get better ' People have an amazing way of helping you so very kindly discover another depth of self loathing in yourself .

But hey , if no effort got you this far , all it'd take this time around was a month or so right ? Another year , I was yet again anointed as the chosen one within the confines of my mind . Failed . Cried in ways I never thought humanly possible , shattered . The exam wasn't just an exam anymore , it was a validation of my right to exist. So began the rabbit hole .

Year 3 , to be strong you need to appear to be strong .  'Why do we fall Bruce?' . There's a good reason batman dwells in his books , out here we fall because we do . No great story there , no epic background score . Took the exam again , went off to the railway academy in the interim . This was my year , I just knew it , every fibre in me resonated with the will of the universe .
Failed . Give up already , I told myself . I'd let my family down , the legacy ended with how unworthy I'd become . Not just ordinary unworthy , UPSC certified unworthy . Funny thing is , I'd stopped being sad at this point, drained of every emotion I was just a walking shell of a man , a long , long while ago I had a life and maybe even dreams , but who could even remember .This was done , and I was resigned to a life of settling .

Year 4 , even the worst form of self inflicted abuse has a rhythmic routine to it . I sat in those same chairs because at this point they were the only true friends I had , I stared at pieces of paper with longing familiarity . I walked back into dholpur house knowing every wall there and entered halls with such a painful degree of familiarity . Walking out after the interview I knew this had to end , I had to get out because dying trying was a very real possibility . Plan B was formulated , and then a plan C and a D , anything to end this horrible cycle .

Then I see a familiar name on the list , Muzammil Khan , rank 22 .

God damn , life , you're insane

Here's where I am now , I happened upon the love of my life at the last place I wanted or knew to look . This isn't a saccharine sweet ending , it's an honest one . Things happen , period . No reason , no story . If this is what you want , try until you break . If you're smart about it , find a passion , an actual passion and use it to distract yourself from your own pointlessness . Life will end regardless of how many letters you have next to your name , live , beyond being judged .